January 30, 2006
On the need of moderation
No room for Sprit
I got drunk again last night.
I came home to drink of you.
when I took you in my mouth
I promised
• As my gums stung
• And the back of my head remembered
I’d tasted before.
When I fondled ideas of temperance-
I gave up tasting you
to bite my lip.
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January 25, 2006
Oh Happy Day. When Jesus Washed my sins away!!
currently I am drinking a gin and tonic
45 mins ago I was calling the hospital to see if Linnea had been checked in
50 mins ago I was beating the windows and doors at the public Library. Where is Linnea- at a concert. She has been talking about all week and I forgot.
I guess I really care/enough not to listen/oops/
Oh, all the gin and tonic is gone.
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January 24, 2006
Evil Princess Leia
Look right.
It is my new link in the bet of all possible places. The site is a bit juvenile in its explanations but the topics are wonderful. Siberia (wink, wink) is something I am down with right now.
Look in my pocket.
It’s all the notes that I took during the day about the diner and the random thoughts I had during while the tables are slow. One must do something other then deliver the pancakes.
I think these are the best:
He again sits and orders the same thing—still smelly. I am not a frequent shower taker but I know my own scent//must find tool (or person) to measure scent that way my skin will remain silky soft and I will not offend the masses.
What does the bus boys wife look like? Does she get some action on the side too? Does the bus boy or is it all just…bus boy talk.
Why do we have sexy lingerie? It just looks stupid (see Improper Bostonian). If you were having sex would you have to have the sexy lingerie face cause if that is the case I would spend most of the time laughing uncontrollably. It is a cross between angered and sleepy face with a dash of self-aware. Far too many tassels for such little fabric and so much money for the tassels…why not naked?
The Everglades//That drive when the animals seemed to play peek-a-boo with us from the forest. It was all devastatingly beautiful. Is that sublime beauty? Have I given Sublime to high of an evaluation?
Am I stressed? Do stressed people really know they are stressed if they think they appear low key? Is being high maintenance mean you think your low maintenance therefore I am stressed?
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January 23, 2006
by jack handy
LUKE 17:1-10 Get out your pipe—it’s sermon reflection time.
Far too often I degrade the effects of the fall. In the past I have diminished the evil of sin by trying to just forget about what happened or not let it at all affect me. This is not a proper way of going about forgiveness. Nothing will make actions disappear and forgiveness is not time travel to the land of oh, just forget it. Christ did not die that I may never sin but because I have sinned and will sin. He died because He is all the big ideas: love, truth, justice, mercy, etcetera. He is good and that good is infallible, infinite, and independent. He must be all of His attributes all of the time and therefore He did not bestow us with grace as to ignore justice.
What is forgiveness then?! As Bradley pointed out in the sermon, we think it is weakness but it is strength. The things that I have truly forgiven are not the things I have conveniently forgotten. If you just forgot sin you would really be in acceptance not forgiveness. God has never accepted what is against His nature. I believe that to really forgive is to look at sin full in the face and say I relinquish my rights by the norms of man and the justice of God and now cling only to God.
Look at marital affairs as an example of forgiveness not as forgetfulness. This is the kind of sin you can’t just let slide. Often when a couple tries to see past an affair, the guilty party has a much easier time than the innocent party. The guilty party confesses and relatively quickly feels better. The innocent party tries to forget, but trust is broken and they begin to sin against the guilty party. Not grand sin, but little welts of mistrust litter the marriage until the guilty party starts to feel like they are always paying for one mistake. You really can’t forget sin because it comes back to you and it mutates into new shapes of offence. You have to instead trust God and give up the right and then give God the pain. That is not weakness—that is impossible. Again I have to say I am so glad that sanctification is not my own work but a work of God.
‘Even when we were dead in our trespasses, God made us alive together with Christ- by grace you have been saved- and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly place in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable richness of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works.’ Ephesians 2:5-8
It is not surprising then that the disciples’ response after being told to forgive so fully was “Increase our faith!” What else can you say?
Forgive us our sins as we forgive those that have sinned against us. I have never really thought about my need to state that I have been sinned against before the sermon yesterday. I felt that to admit that I have been sinned against, if not weak, was just plain un-Christian. If I can say that this hurts, or still hurts, then I feel like I am saying God’s love is not enough. To just see my own sin is to make the problem of sin self-contained and set myself up to think that I can solve problems on my own. Jesus admits it for us—we will sin and will be sinned against in the Lord’s prayer. When it comes down to it Jesus will never just forgive and forget, but will remember Justice. If we just forgot about the past how could his sacrifice be truly a sacrifice? God would not be completely Holy if Justice was left to squander. Instead one day I will stand in judgment with all my sin. Up until yesterday, having it all come up to hit me again was something that frightened me. Today, I can’t help but think that it will be the most awful and wonderful moment in eternity—all of my sin and all His forgiveness in one moment. To dwell in forgiveness with the fresh taste of freedom that is paradise. So, I have to learn to forgive the right way and not just let things slide but to see sin and turn against it toward Christ and the person(s) made in his image.
“We often see forgiveness as weak. When you forgive, you have to admit that you have been wronged, and you must admit that the person that wronged you has the strength to wrong you again.”
“At the Cross I can say I have sinned and I have been sinned against.”
“Forgiveness is foremost the admission and affirmation of Justice.” -- Bradley Barns
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January 22, 2006
somethings you do for money others for social norms
In about an hour and a half I will be at it again. Small talk pervades my life.
Blah, blah….laughter…oh, blah. I’ll go to work and bring people pancakes and a bit of my personality in the form of small talk. A few hours ago I was engaged in small talk with all people from Church. We all ask each other the same awful questions and are forced to try and think of cute little jokes while grinning. Is this passing the Peace?
What is most annoying about small talk is that I am good at making people feel comfortable and feel like they know me. People then make the assertion of oh, Hope she is just like…blah. I don’t disappoint. I reflect nicely what people expect and then get annoyed when we never have meaningful conversations.
WHAT I WANT is for someone to say the words the song we just sang were profound because….
Instead I fall victim to small talk and again and say “oh, I am not a student. I am working here in Boston. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…laughter..
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January 20, 2006
"This is Hope, she's from the South. She's wicked into God." -Scott
Jason Harrod lived in Boston when he wrote Carolina. As I hear him croon about long leaf pine I long to go home to the south. That is where he is now not with Harrod and Funck anymore but in the blessed Southland. I never expected to miss the vistas. A few times I have looked to the sky and seen the blue Appalachian Mountains formed from the blistery winter clouds. As it has been a warm and rainy January and at times the humidity has tricked my skin into believing that I had made it back home. My being longs hear old men who know the dates of hunting season by heart. My being longs for the Atlantic Ocean near Hunting Island and the Savannah River.
As I sit tonight trying again to finish my Peace Corps application I wonder why I want to go anywhere but South. I want to see the skeleton cathedral, the Great Barrier Reef, and spider monkeys. I want to know that I will not be stuck sitting in a job that makes me as unhappy as the people I serve pancakes to every mourning. Maybe I have seen life far to idealistically but I never knew just how dissatisfying the general public sees daily life. Conflict theory in class is so different from the dull drone of masses.
I have to write about why the Peace Corps and cross-cultural experiences. I cannot think of a single reason why I want to join the Peace Corps that is not completely selfish. Does that mean I will suck at the job? As far as cross-cultural experiences are concerned I think that on a whole it is going to be a lot more like moving to Boston after college then being in India.
I could go back to school.
I could go and do the next thing.
I am stuck in the North and I miss more than the warmth. Mostly I am just stuck.
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January 16, 2006
MLK DAY
Yesterday was great fun. We went to the midway and ABBA’s Dancing Queen became my theme song. I won a pair of slippers with matching bag because of my killer dance moves. I might have won the slippers because my shoes kept falling off. I believe it was the dancing though and that is what the benefactor said so there.
I wrote this poem last January. It is part of my beach series and is about a dream I had aboard ship in. It is a cold day after much warmth and I felt the cold might help in interpretation.
humidity
Leap
Upon the Caribbean Seas
January
A task to tell a dream to thee,
of a subconscious well drowned.
I wish to tell of swaying sea,
for there in rolling waves illusion is found.
Rising to walking upon prickling carpet
Dark sky, Bright sea, my ship surround
Bare feet on jagged concrete, smooth palms upon the parapet,
Leaning down, pushing in, a reed no more to stand erect.
Soon the white metal rail upon my foot begins to
bite,
Therefore I climb closer in clutching smooth mahogany.
Neptune cajoles ‘come be my sprite’.
Offering cold air, humidity tide, mixed androgyny
desire for deep drenching sun!
Aeolus assists in a covetous felony,
For I yearn the western gale – Make me Undone!
The glorious gale commits defenestration,
And toward heat I fall –see joy has begun.
Is there not some abortion?
From the seas my betrayer
For my folly there was no admonition.
Neptune will not bathe me as his lover.
Icy cold death repeatedly will bombard.
My spirit seeks up, is escape discovered-never!
My frozen form hits again the ship like a billiard,
Frigid pain is my lot hence forward.
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January 12, 2006
Like a Hot Dog
I don’t often get the hankering for Indian food. Before I went to India it was exotic and not knowing the names for dishes was cute. After eating Indian food for months it became ordinary and then tiresome. Americans have so much variety in the food we eat on a daily bases. I went to eat pizza while I was in India not because I really like pizza but to alleviate the monotony.
Currently in my fridge is paper mashla dosa. It is not exactly the fried dish I hated in India but ever so close. I brought it home to allow my loved ones here in Boston to partake of and then see their reactions. I am guessing that they will all love it. My taste buds may have enjoyed it had it been presented at a different time of day but as a breakfast food I would have to say - no.
Why do I have Indian food at all in my apartment? I think that is because I went to the Natural History Museum today. As I was looking at a bat that I saw at the Bangalore airport I suddenly really wanted Indian food. This bat is not normally the kind of thing that makes you crave food. It had a body the size of a small monkey and a wingspan to match. It looked friendly all stuffed with straw but in when it is flying over your head it is a bit creepy. Vampire movies would try to use this bat and fail because it looks unreal.
So after learning that Sperm Whales have pelvic bones I left to find an Indian restaurant. When I enter Indian restaurants now I just want to start off by saying: “lets just cut the BS buddy. I am a women and I am going to offend you because that is what western women are good at doing. Now please may I …”. I don’t think I will ever do that but my desire to do so most likely means I will not be good at being in the Peace Corps.
I gather just enough Indian food to remind me of where I am at in the world. I sit in front of a church and eat my food all mixed together to make the taste perfect. After finishing my lunch I am struck by two important facts:
1. Still no huge bats-good.
2. I miss adventure but am afraid of making a bad choice.
After returning from the gym two days ago Tami and I saw a skunk. Not the human kind but the smelly kind running under a house. Was that adventure?
Indian food is like hot dogs to me. It is not something I want but not something I won’t eat. At times I crave hot dogs at ball games and on the fourth. At times I crave comfort and adventure at the same time.
This is my last day off until the 19th
But
With the 19th cometh Courtney!
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January 11, 2006
Highland Conquerer the Romance Novel I am filled with (ewww...gross)
I was struck in church on Sunday by the Westminster Confession of Faiths questions and answers to adoption and justification. These two questions and the one that fallows about sanctification are the most informative to me of God’s character and love. These three acts of adoption into God’s family as a son (a son not in a sexist manner but to emphasize our part in the inheritance of God’s victory over death and sin), justification of all our sin, and sanctification are all works of the Holy Sprit and not of man. I am not the one responsible to free myself or to bring about glorification from sin. Everyday God is pulling me closer to life not because I am good but because he is merciful and loving. This is God’s extravagance that He would not only send his only Son to die that I might live but also that the Holy Spirit would then break and mold God’s people into Christ’s image. Now we are double fold made in the image of God or more correctly set about renewing a corrupted form Adam and Eve were created in.
Knowing all of this though one must question free will and the matter of predestination verses foreknowledge. In the first chapter of Malachi we are presented with the Lord’s true love of Israel as the nation doubts. The people ask how has God loved us? The book of Malachi presents actions in which Israel has been chosen above other peoples and set apart for God’s love. God has chosen them and others have not been chosen. Your friends, family, nice people on the street, and that stupid guy you hate unless they are predestined for heaven will burn in hell for eternity. How can a ‘good’ Christian even think about such things without having their life then filled with crazy proselytizing and despair? It would be easy to think contrary to Biblical understanding that the work Sanctification and Justification are things you do by yourself. If I’m the one that decided that I’ll pick God then people not doing so are at fault. The Holy Spirit enables these actions, not man. SO you are left to wonder why are they burning in hell? If Christ died for the sin of the World where is the lifeless’ justification? The smart answer comes with limited atonement but the soft heated don’t want to be smart.
If it were not for God my heart would be far too hard to turn and see waiting glory. What of free will then? Am I a person capable of such an act? I just don’t understand what free will is and if it exists what implications this makes to the foreknowledge of God. Can God even have foreknowledge? That whole logic train seems silly to me as foreknowledge is based on actions that did not happen. If there is some stupid plane in which blah did not happen and blah happened instead then why the hell is any plane of time legitimate? If truth is truth then there cannot be by definition some other truth or the first truth would be artificial.
I like the book of Malachi because it never questions this problem of why salvation but instead repeats the glory of salvation. Malachi says hey God loves you but you treat Him like a fool and question where the God of judgment is and why He has not provided for you. The book is then ended with some prophetic verses about Christ’s coming. When I reflect upon Malachi who is not bitter in understanding or misunderstanding but thankful. I still am angered and confused. The idea of God’s salvation is so perplexing that I am happy that I am not forced to think about it but am graced to own it’s promises.
I wrote this poem about this problem for me and Cain, Esau, the nation of Edom, and all the rest. I wrote it a bit ago so my voice has changed since then.
A collection of Sin Cain
Downcast,
Sin at the door,
waiting for your anger.
Am I my brother’s keeper, well
I AM?
II.
Brother,
red Earth cries out.
Never hearing my plight,
now she will not yield. Enabled
for naught
III.
Bleating
sheep hear beating.
My hands knew your red scalp
Blood of my blood, He gave-took blood
I AM.
IIII.
been Marked.
Can’t stand your mark.
My Able brought your true fruit
Seth too from you-Oh that I may
produce
V.
First fruit,
I gave to you.
Esau have I hated.
Jacob have I loved. Election.
Bitter.
IV.
Chosen
Its all for them
They never move nor wake
you moved them all and left me blind
So Lavish
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January 09, 2006
Japan's Party
Today is Coming of Age day in Japan. Today is coming of age day in the best of all possible all worlds. In reference to my last entry Lisa (Linnea) came home and taught me so much. At first my blog was a bit GOD BLESS AMERICA but now it is a happy land with beautiful color and a picture I like.
I feel that with a few bad romance novels I'd be living on the edge and being of age. Most importantly and of no relation to Japan I will start back up with belly dancing on the marrow. Yes, tis true I am now out of beginners and on to props. I've been warming up my finger cymbals all night.
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homer
When the famous music fades and you are sitting watching Springfield through the viewpoint of your favorite yellow family; do you sit and remember the times in your life that you felt like the characters? Right now my confession is that I am Homer wiggling his fingers unable to find the thing or doing to make the blog do the what now. If only Lisa would come home and fix it. The big problem in all of this is that I am not a cute fictional character that will endear myself into your heart though I have big huge faults, a huge belly, and little hair.
What I have going for me though is great hair. I’ll read the directions and make the bloggie thingie nice.
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